Misc.

After a season of silent I attempt to put pen to paper to no avail. Words do not come. The music doesn’t come. Trying to complete a sentence is like trying to force color  out of   a marker  that’s  run out of ink. That which gives me freedom to live binds my tongue and blinds my thoughts. I’m limited.  And I hate to admit it, but it’s worth it. I miss my words, but I missed living more.

On a different note, my heart is  troubled.  I  feel  like I’m in a boat on a sea of distorted  words,  feelings, and perceptions. With each turn of the wind I hear the whisper from someone else’s mouth….words of division, words of doubt, words of bias…and I must sort out the words  of wisdom from the rest.

Ehh. The heart is a deceitful thing, changes with the turning of the tides.

J: A year later

It has almost been a year since your words pierced my ears and tore my heat. I didn’t deserve it and even though you had it coming, you didn’t deserve it either.

I miss your words. I miss your humor. I miss your like-mindedness. I miss your vocabulary. I miss your ability to understand me better than anyone. I miss your insight, your wisdom, and your comfort. I miss your generosity, your willingness, and your smile.

But I don’t miss your dishonesty. I don’t miss your deceitfulness. I don’t miss your bad influence, your drunkenness, the regurgitation of your fragmented thoughts. I don’t miss worrying about you. I don’t miss trying to understand your slurred speech.

But I love you, unconditionally. And more than anything, I forgive you for choosing him over me. Like I said last year, friends come and go. Add me to your list.

Waiting for the apple pie to bake…

I come home to an empty house. And I like it. I like it because I know where I put everything. I know what I was working on last, I know what to clean next, what to cook next, what to take care of next.

I like it because I’m in control.

And that’s exactly what I would have to give up. I know it’s worth giving up control to have anyone in my life.

It’s crazy to think that such a short season of life could have such a deep impact on my heart. I’m more willing to settle for someone who is mundane, simple, and uneventful because I know that they’re trustworthy, dependable, and faithful.

I will miss catching my breath but I’d rather have devoted hand to hold than a racing heart.

I still miss him and I can’t believe myself. And I can’t help holding it against him.

 

God, forgive me.

Words

It’s been so difficult to write. Since September of last year….my brain has been blocked. What a disappointment. I need inspiration.

Dress-up

When I was little I loved to play dress up. I would put on my mom’s old dresses from the 70′s. There was one that was a red wine-colored dress with cream lace that was so soft. And then there was the infamous typical bride’s maid dress: peach in every sense of the word and itchy as could possibly be.

But I would wear those dresses and play house. Looking back on that now I’m a little interested to realize that I always pretended I was a mom. The funny thing about that lies in the fact that I’ve grown up in a time where new social norms have formed. Women are encouraged to “break free” from the “bonds” or the kitchen. Leave those kids at day care…and persue your dreams!

But little girls don’t grow up pretending to be CEOs. Or at least I never did. And after years of telling everyone that I wanted to be an entrepreneur, human resources manager, or even a counselor…I’ve realized that all I really want to be when I grow up is a mother.

And the hilarious thing about wanting that is the fact that it’s probably the only thing I can’t make happen in the next five years. I guess we really do always want what we can’t have.

Luckily I still have those two dresses. Except now, they fit perfectly.

Sometimes I Wonder…

Sometimes I wonder why I’m not the kind of person who looks radiant without make-up on.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever have the financial backing to follow my dreams or provide for my family.

Sometimes I wonder what my purpose (other than to love God and love others) is.

Sometimes I wonder how things would be if I were more aggressive.

Sometimes I wonder how things would be if I were less aggressive.

Sometimes I wonder if things would be different if I were thinner, better at music, or worked somewhere else.

Sometimes I wonder if the best times are behind me.

Sometimes I wonder if the best times are yet to come.

Sometimes I wonder about things and then realize it’s 12:44 in the morning and I’ve sat awake for a least an hour thinking about these things when all along I know that wondering isn’t going to make a difference.

Action, however, will.

My Interview with Scott; A Detailed Report

   Scott’s major is Philosophy. It wasn’t always this way. After spending three semesters at Mira Costa taking other classes he decided to pursue something that he was passionate about. “I’m a thinker,” he says, “Philosophy hits me at my core.” And thus his choice to take Philosophy 101 was born.

   If you were to ask Scott to define truth he would tell you that truth is “what one believes to be real, right, the truth,” while adding on that truth is relative. Right or wrong, he would say, is all based on perception.

   Knowledge, according to Scott, is also based on perception. He quotes, “Knowledge is facts and ideas that one gains understanding of and through which truth is established.”

   When it comes to discussing the nature of reality Scott would argue, hands down, that reality is “purely consciousness” and that without consciousness there is no reality.

   “How does the mind work?” One might ask. Scott would inform you that the mind is made up of three distinct parts: Consciousness (“your thoughts”), Sub- consciousness (“formed by consciousness”), and the Higher Self (a.k.a. “Super consciousness”). Within the mind it is a balance act between these three parts. The goal is to find alignment, not to be confused with enlightenment, by making an effort to line each part up with the other. Imbalance created negative results.

   Scott tells me that he feels that we do have a responsibility to society. This responsibility entails “adding to, not subtracting from, value from society” and “always be giving.” He uses the example of a desperate man robbing a store in efforts to get money to feed his three kids. “Even though he wants to feed his kids with the money,” Scott explains, “the man is taking away from someone else.”

   Scott is a fan of the ying-yang symbol in regards to human nature. He would agree that human nature is inherently both good and evil. “Behavior is based on social environment; it’s all relative and you cannot have good without evil,” says Scott.

   If you were to run into Scott around campus and ask him how one should live his answer might go a little something like this: “One should live according to his or her own system of beliefs, live from the core.” He states that each individual should live by their own rules and live not to please other people. “Always be adding,” he says with conviction, “not taking away.

   This concludes my interview with Scott.

Thoughts on last year

What is this thing that I see

In the looking glass starring back at me

Mirroring my eyes, my body?

It’s not me, oh no, please.

I wrote these words down and put them to music when I was 18 or 19. I don’t remember what actually inspired those words but I’d be willing to confidently bet that it had to do with some decision I made. I’d also be willing to take the next step and bet that the decision I made wasn’t the right one.

“The choices we make shape who we become.” It rolls nicely off the tongue but is one bitter pill to swallow when you comprehend that some of the choices you made were ghastly and awful and are now secreted within the character of whom you see in the mirror.

Last year was character building in some ways. It was also character dismantling in others. I have felt like I have spoiled things and although I know that nothing is beyond Divine Repair by God I can’t help but feel I have contaminated my mentality and stained my standing with others. My disposition is that of an insolvent beggar hoping to plead my way back to a place where people looked up to me because of what I could be for them.

But although I can feel the gravity of my guilt pull me away from personal growth I am humbly honored to recognize that the greatest, most noticeable feature of this last year was God. His grace left its mark all over every wall of my life and His touch was present in all things. The extension of His forgiveness allowed me to see the merciful side of God in a new way that I’ve never known. The book of Hebrews in the Bible reminds us that God is always faithful because faithfulness is apart of who He is…it’s part of His character. So even when we are disloyal, fickle, and untrustworthy He is still steadfast in His tender affection and compassion towards us.

How lucky we are. When all the world may turn its back on us and remember all of our wrongs we have a God who loves unconditionally and grants us pardon when we ask for it.

Shipwreck

I’m working on a new song. Here are the lyrics thus far:

This is an emergancy

We’re lost at sea

And we’re flying our white flag

We’re sinking

Into the navy deep

Are these storm clouds and white wash

The last things we’ll ever see

Who knew when I said goodbye

And left my love I’d be lying here

Praying to God above

Saying

If I ever get outta here

I promise you I’ll change my ways

Oh God say you hear me

Pleading

(Chorus) Rain, rain, go away

Come back another day

Anyway, I’m super excited to record it. I want to finish my e.p. I only have one song partially recorded. Ahhh!

Protected: I forget him, I forget him not…

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